Some days, I want to write about everything. About the past, about what's going on, about my family, about my friends, about how suddenly I can't listen to certain songs, about how people are, about what I feel I should be doing.
Some days, I want to write about how amazing every single one of my friends is, how I could spend hours talking about each one of them and still not have said it all, how much every one of them makes me feel, how any individual memory of them could make me laugh for hours, or how I could remember all I have done and how that relates to them, how much they have made me a better person.
Some days, I want to talk about my old friends. What I should be doing right now, where I could be, what I could be saying, who I could be talking to, what could be happening, how they could be helping.
Some days, all I want to talk about is TV. How Doctor Who changed my perspective on those who refuse to change from the past, about how they can't make anything from the lessons. About how I can be absolutely mindless when it comes to ANTM (understandable) and how great it is that it makes me feel nothing, how the potential of Heroes makes me angry or how, no matter how hard I try, I still don't get Supernatural, or the Vampire Diaries, or True blood.
Some days, all my head thinks over is shot composition in films, the symmetry, or lack thereof. The positioning of one actor, the removal of another. The focus, the composition, the lighting, their representation within the action, the music used to highlight their status or the silence to emphasise the fear.
Some days, all I can think about is music. The rhythms, the bands, how to listen to what without ruining the mood, what place it's easiest to think with a soundtrack in my head, the longest journeys I can take so I can listen to as many albums as possible, how I feel I should be analysing it far more than I am, questioning my ability to revel in the guilt of reliving a past Mcfly album, hiding my obsession with the new Ke$ha single, wallowing in the self pitying tones of Elliot Smith or Dylan, missing the songs i've lost and looking forward to the ones I've yet to judge.
Some days, I wish I could pacify my mother, return her to simplicity, control her naivity. Some days I wish I wasn't on tenterhooks, waiting on calls and questions about my health I can't answer.
Some days, I wish I didn't hope my life was like that of TV characters, where problems are resolved by two episodes, and everything underlying was brought out and confronted. That every move I make is controlled by my exact desires towards a specific goal.
Some days. I wish I could just say everything and not regret it.
Some days, I wish I could write.
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